I was over at Field Negro’s blog (field-negro.blogspot.com) and I really liked an idea he had. He proposes that he establish a “Negro Review Board.” It would sorta be like a police force to let black people know when they were doing stupid things and help them to correct their ignorant behaviors.
Me, being a hillbilly who get so fucking tired of seeing his people embarrass themselves constantly in front of other hillbillies, the national press and Amurkkka as a whole had a brilliant idea. . . almost like I thought of it myself. Why not have a “Hillbilly Review Board.” Our job would be to inform hillbillies when their behaviors were ignorant and out of line and may be inviting public ridicule and what behaviors are appropriate. Of course I, being the Sagacious Hillbilly, would be in charge of this Hillbilly Review Board.
So with a tip of the hat and major big props to the Field Negro over at field-negro.blogspot.com, I will outline some basic behaviors that all hillbillies ought to keep to and behaviors they ought not to be guilty of.
Don’t be marrying your cousin. Yea, I know, it’s a mile and a half down the holler to the hard road and then another four miles to the nearest store and cousin Emma is the only girl even close to your age between here and there. It doesn’t matter. Haul your ass farther on down the road and find a girl that aint yer cousin.
I know, my mom and dad AND my g’parents were all related too each other and it aint hurt me none much, but believe me, ya can’t keep doin that. This aint 1949. Hitch a ride outta the holler and get ya some fresh stuff.
Dress appropriately. You may be a poor ignorant hillbilly, but you sure as hell anit no black gangsta. If you’re driving up and down the hard road in your daddy’s old ‘83 Chevy pickup truck with a giant bass woofer in the back cranking out ghetto rap so loud it stops the chickens from layin and dries up the cows and you’ve got a silly ass ball cap on sideways with your pants down below your ass and a huge tee shirt down to your knees, you gotta hold onto your crotch to keep your pants from falling down and you’re strutting around like a barnyard turkey with hemoroids, you aint acting appropriately and you sure as hell aint dressed appropriately.
Dump the ghetto duds. Believe me, even the ghetto dudes look like morons in those outfits. Get yourself a nice pair of 501 jeans, a western shirt and a pair of decent boots or even sneakers. Oh, and a belt. Believe me, you’ll do a lot better with the chicks, your teachers, potential employers and all the people you come in contact with will be much more inclined to show you some respect and your chances of getting out of the holler and generally making something good of your life will be much greater.
And when you go into town, wash up. Put on a clean shirt. Use some deodorant. Remove the fucking ball cap when you go into a building, especially when you sit down at anyone’s table to eat. You come into my house with that stupid fucking ball cap on and sit down at my dinner table and I’ll remove the mother fucker for ya. . . real quick. . . without asking.
Show some manners. I know, not everyone was raised with manners. If your parents were ignorant slobs, you’re probably are a bit of an ignorant slob. You don’t have to be. Show a little humility., Pay attention to people who do have manners and try to learn from them. Nothing turns people off more than an ill-mannered buffoon. No, you don’t have to be Emily Post or Miss Manners, you’ve just gotta show respect and pay attention.
Yea, yea, I know. People who act all proper and mannerly are often arrogant fucks that I wouldn’t want to spend an hour with either. But not everyone with manners is like that either. Find someone with manners you can stand to look at and emulate them
Don’t drop out of High School!!! I know, it’s tough. I was ADHD back when nobody knew what ADHD was. Nobody had much hope for me, but I persevered. I dug my claws in and fought my way through HS. There were times when I wanted to chuck it all. Luckily, my father quit HS when he was in 8th grade and was not about to let his kid do the same so I scraped and clawed my way to a diploma. I then entered college at a place where mediocrity was acceptable and I scraped and clawed my way through there. It took me a while, but I finally managed to eek out a college degree. . . barely. It took lots of loans and working long hours and night classes because my parents didn’t have a lot of money to send their kid through college. My point is, anyone can do it. YOU can get through HS and even college if you really want to. Look around you. . . the people who have made something of their lives. . . even the guy next door who has a decent job and provides for his family. Doesn’t he have some level of education? Think about it.
Don’t talk to the media. Really, when some prick from the national media comes to your town because there was a mine disaster, a flood or they just want to parade around some ignorant hill folk, just say “NO.” Nuff said.
Read something now and then. Yup, whatever you read, read every word. Make sure you know how to pronounce the words you read and know their meaning. Trust me, it’ll do you good. It’ll keep you sharp. You’ll be less ignorant.
Close your mouth. No shit. When you’re standing there trying to figure out something that seems complicated to you, close you mouth. You’ll at least look less ignorant. There is a reason why people refer to “slack jawed yokels.” So close your mouth, stand up straight, put your hands on your hips and look like you’re contemplating, not totally dumbfounded.
Use protection when having sex. You’re going to fuck. Everyone does and when you live up some lonely holler and there just aint that much to do, there’s even more likelihood that you’re going to fuck at an even younger age. Use protection. Having babies at 15 or 16 is just plain stupid. What kind of parent are you going to be with no education, no chance of a decent job and no experience as an adult. All you’re going to do is produce another little ignorant hillbilly for people to laugh at. So really, if you’re going to have sex, use protection and don’t become a teenage mother. And unless you CAN provide for a baby or another baby, it doesn’t matter how old you are, use protection. Look, the welfare payment you’ll get for having another little hillside dirt monkey just aint worth it.
No fucking confederate flags. “But Sagacious One, it’s a symbol of our heritage.” Bullfuckingshit. It’s a symbol that offends a large portion of the American population. Hard working Americans just like you. It’s a symbol that represents a long dead demographic that fought long and hard for their right to hold slaves and hold onto their slave society. Nothing more and nothing less. All that confederate flag says is that you’re a dumbass ignorant hillbilly who is probably a racist thug. Yea, that’s it. When you display one of those you’re an embarrassment to yourself and the people around you. Same goes for those ignorant bumper stickers that say “The south’s gonna rise again.” It might, but it won’t be with morons like you at the helm. There is not room in the New South for confederate flags and stupid civil war slogans. You can keep the stickers of the twelve point buck profile and the turkey foot. It’s cool. It’s ok to wear camouflage. You can hunt, fish and do all that wild outdoor stuff. I might be over on the next hillside doin it too. It’s what we do out here in the rural parts of America. It’s part of our heritage that we can exercise proudly, but all the confederate southern pride horse shit has GOT to stop.
Go ahead, talk like a hillbilly. No, really. Don’t worry about your “accent.” It’s who you are and what you are. Open your mouth and pronounce your words proudly. Only really ignorant people will judge you by how you speak. It’s just how you speak. It’s part of your heritage. Don’t be ashamed of it. Those of you who try and lose your accent because you want to sound more urbane or whatever, Go fuck yourself.
There’s a good primer for ya. Think about it.
Tomorrow we’re going to talk about politics and socio-economic issues that you hillbillies have GOT to learn to deal with.
Till then, remember, the Hillbilly Review Board might be watching.