Saturday, December 1, 2007

Woke up, got outta bed, dragged a comb across my head. . . .

Special honors to the first person to post the next line to that title.

Geez, 4:45AM, not a car on the road and this moron wants to tailgate me all the way up the hill to the airport. What a fucking douche.

OK, so I insert my card in the kiosh and it tells me I don’t have a reservation. No matter how I enter my information, “can’t find a reservation.” So I step up to the ticket counter and in 15 seconds they have my reservation. The person in front of me did the same thing and there’s somebody behind me doing the same thing. Shut the fucking machine off if it doesn’t work!

TSA. Man, these guys have got to be the bottom end of the police academy rejects. They act like they’re saving humanity. As if they have some unbelieveably important job that we all should be grateful to them for performing. Here’s a news flash for you bunch of ignorant cop wannabe bubbas: you and your organization are a farse. I can think of about 100 different way to smuggle weapons that could slice stab, explode and otherwise cause incredible mayhem on an airplane. What you morons do is disarm good and honest Americans so that when some fucking loser does decide to end it all for himself and a plane full of innocents, we have no defense against the lunatic. Shut the fucking useless airport security down and let us all carry weapons. How many fucking maniacs are going to take on an airplane full of armed passengers? Maybe a few, but they won't get very far. But no, we’ve got to spend 100s of billions of dollars defending ourselves against something so remote that it’s absurd, and in the process, humiliate good honest American citizens with “random” searches. If that’s not enough, everyone has to take off their jackets, shoes and belts. Fucking idiots.

Alright time to get on the plane. Who are these fucking morons who carry a full set of luggage onto the plane? It then takes them 5 minutes to find an empty compartment and stash their oversized bags in the overhead. Meanwhile there are 137 people waiting behind you to get onto the plane who only have a small pocketbook or briefcase. Thank god I’m sitting in a row by myself and one of these 300lb. porkers isn’t intent upon sitting next to me and making the next hour and a half of my life a miserable experience.. Geez, there should be weight limits on people who they allow onto airplanes. . . there must be, but they aren’t low enough.
Now here’s a gem. The old couple in front of me sitting in the emergency exit are assuring the stewardess that they are perfectly capable of dislodging the emergency exit door, turning it sideways and throwing it out the opening and onto the ground. Yea, I’m fucking sure you are you fidgety nervous old geezer who looks like you never twisted a screw driver in your life. If this plane makes an emergency landing and it’s time to get the fuck outta here, I’m going through those incompetent looking old proles.

Off the plane and make my connection. I’ve got an hour and a half so I guess I’ll get something to eat. I’ll make this short and sweet, why the fuck does it take fifteen god damn minutes to get a crab meat omelet that they’re advertising on a display outside the door at a crab meat restaurant in an airport? Shouldn’t this be like fast food for people who are generally in a hurry? Now it’s taking forever to get the waitress to bring me my check. WTF?!

Ok, onto the plane. Looks crowded. Hopefully. . . FUCK! Some fat ol geezer couple have my seat. “That’s right, I’ve got the aisle.” Fer chritsake there’s not enough room for all three of us in these three seats! OK, it’s less than a two hour flight, I cross my arms and just sleep or zone out with my eyes closed. I spent enough time during my twisted childhood doing that. It’s never been a problem. My god, this 300lb. woman is reading some dumb romance novel with her elbows half way across my chest. Time for a well aimed upward thrust of my forearm. There, that took care of that seat hog.

I love opening my eyes and having a nice big ol round ass in my face. That stewardess serving drinks to the people across the aisle definitely has a nice big ol round one. Aww, and she turned around, looked at me looking at her ass and then turned back around and rubbed it into my shoulder. Shame on her.

Thank god, finally almost there. Wow, coming in over the water. It looks beautiful blue and really calm. Blue sky, a few low puffy clouds. There sure are a lot of small boats on the ocean. I wonder how warm it is out there.

Off the plane. Wait for all the morons to collect up their things and move their slow fat asses out of the plane. No wonder so many people burn up in plane crashes. The proles can’t get out of their own way.

Fine, I’ve got to meet the guy at 1PM, take care of some business and then back on the plane at 2:50. I’ve got plenty of time to pop out and catch some nice warm sunshine outside the terminal.
Damn, damn, damn!!!! It’s fucking 90 degrees out here! It’s warm and beautiful. Back home, the world is frozen up like a twenty year marriage. It was like 20 degree out this morning when I went to the airport. I’ve gotta be back on a plane heading into that in another couple hours. FUCK! What the hell is the matter with me? I could have rented a car, skipped over to the west coast, spent tomorrow on the boat and come back on Monday. This is tragic.


MountainLaurel said...

Found my way downstairs and had a smoke....

Blonde Goddess said...

I hate flying and this post just helped remind me why I hate flying...LOL

SagaciousHillbilly said...

Sorry Mt. Laurel, but I think you're mixing up parts of the song. But good effort!

Found my coat and grabbed my hat
Made the bus in seconds flat

Found my way upstairs and had a smoke

Somebody spoke and I went into a dream
ahhh ,ah, ah ,ahhhh, ah, ah ,ahhh, ah ,ah, ahhhh
duh, duh duh duh duh
I read the news today, oh boy. . .