Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Invasion of the worse kind

This hillbilly don't do personal shit on a blog very often, and when I do, it's not all that personal. It's usually just some excuse for me to rant and rave at all y'all dumb prole asses, so what I'm about to tell you must be of some importance. . . I'm not sure why, but it just seems that way.

Hillbilly sagaciously relented yesterday and had himself a colonoscopy. Shut the fuck up before I come back there with my dogs. Aint fuckin funny. Believe me, any time someone stick something way far or even just a little ways up my ass it aint funny and in almost every case somebody's gonna get hurt really bad. This hillbilly's ass has a big tattoo on the inside of it's cheek that say "One Way" and an arrow pointing away from my sphincter. My ass only gives, it don't receive. I'll leave that other direction stuff up to AngryMan and other less than manly individuals.

They say when a person turns 50 they should immediately have a colonoscopy. Well, I turned 50 a few years back and have told my wonderful and all knowing family doctor "yea, yea, I'll have one" a number of times. He even scheduled them for me twice, butt in the end (bwaaahaha, I crack myself up! (get it, "crack?)) I intentionally "forgot the appointments" So the last time I saw him for a general check up after having a stress test, chest x-ray and blood work, he told me that since I was in such good shape and possibly on track to live a long healthy life (news which he told my wife was good for me, bad for her), I WAS going to get one of those insidiously invasive examinations. OK, so I relented and went with the program.

To begin with, you have to go through a 24 hour period where you don't consume anything but "clear liquids" and you take some horrible tasting liquids that purge every last tiny bit of matter from your intestinal track. During the last 12 hours, you can't drink ANYTHING. Then you show up at the clinic and first the intake persona says in a very cheery voice, "hi, how are we doing today." My response was, in a very stern voice, "I am tired, hungry, thirsty and my ass hurts bad. I don't know how you are and I don't care." She replied "Well good, I just have to ask you a few questions" and proceeded to ask me one hundred and fifty questions that every doctors office and every clinic, hospital lab and any other medical establishment asks you when you walk in the door. I then had to fill out and sign 126 pages of papers, again the same 126 pages of papers you fill out at every medical office. She them printed out a huge pile of papers and stapled six copies of my driver's license and insurance card to each of six piles she made, handed me one pile and THEN I was given instructions to see the NEXT receptionist down the stairs and to the right. When is the medical community going to develop a standard ID card that contains all of a person's medical information and history?

When I got down the stairs, a less friendly receptionist asked me "how are we doing today?" Same response, "hungry tired, thirsty and my ass hurts." She smiled a slightly annoyed smile back at me and asked me to have a seat. I told her I'd rather not sit.

Five minutes later a nurse opened the door and beckoned me into the bowels of the operation. Her first question was "how are wedoing today?" I began to tell her "I'm tired, hungry thirsty and my ass hurts," butt she cut me off with, we need to get you. . . . so I cut her off and said "you asked me how I was doing, don't you want to know?" She replied, "well yes, butt we have to get you moving since the doctor will be ready for you soon." That was a lie as the doctor showed up 20 minutes after I was all prepped and ready to be invaded.

I then went through a 45 minute process of getting prepped with no less than 5 nurses checking and double checking everything they did. This all culminated in the doctor coming in and telling the nurse to "go ahead" at which point she began intravenously injecting me with valium and another very strong sedative whose name escapes me at the moment. Now I remember why I quit doing drug a few years back. It really, really, really felt good, but it turned me into a total and complete idiot as opposed to the partial idiot I am on a daily basis.

I remember the doctor inserting the "probe" up my ass and I also remember requesting that he at least give me a kiss if he wasn't going to give me a reach around. I also remember a couple of the very serious nurses cracking up a few times when I said things like that. It took about 5 minutes . . . I'm guessing. They wheeled me to a recovery room where my wife came in and spent about ten minutes laughing at my sorry ass as huge amounts of air that they pump into your colon so they can have an easy 'look see' continued to be expelled by my colon.

No part of the process was fun . . .well, maybe the part where I got to tell those cheery voiced receptionists in my coldest voice "I'm tired, hungry, thirsty and my ass hurts" and maybe part of the IV sedative trip, but in the end, I have a clean bill of health and have been given the peace of mind of knowing that at the moment, I'm not threatened by one of the ugliest, most aggressive and fatal forms of cancer. Who wouldn't want to know that. OR, if I had had some precancerous polyps, why wouldn't I have wanted to go through 24 hours of inconvenience to have them removed. Had the early stages of cancer been detected, I might have been given a fighting chance.

The really stupid thing is to not get a colonoscopy when your doctor tells you to. We are all mortal and we're all going to die, but why not stay as healthy as we can for as long as we can? Isn't the peace of mind worth 24 hours of inconvenience. Nobody is so important or so busy that they can't take 24 hours to avoid colon cancer.

See y'all down at the barnyard.

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